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I have become comfortably numb.........
Dec. 9th, 2003 07:56 pmThis is a personal post, but I'm making it public anyway.
I am so tired of feeling like a horrible person when I know deep down that I am not. I am not perfect by any means, and I have never claimed to be. I can admit when I make a mistake, in fact it seems that is all I ever do. Yet for some reason I keep being accused of not admitting that I'm at fault.
As I said, I am not perfect. I have made many in my life. I have acted hastily and hurt people I cared about. I've done things that most people, me included would call immoral. I have done some stupid things. I am even guilty of a few doing bad things. But in general I am a good person. I do not run around trying to hurt people. I just have a temper that causes me to often overreact. I know I am not the only person in the world with this problem, and I've worked on it for years. Apparently it's a personality quirk, which everyone has.
I am a loyal person who loves my friends. I have hurt them before, but I never do this intentionally. People hurt me to without meaning too, I know. I always beat myself up when I hurt someone or do someone wrong, and right now I am black and blue.
But not anymore. It is time to heal. I feel that I have done all I can to make amends, but I can see it is to no avail. So I surrender. I give up completely. I don't want it to be this way, but the other minds have been made up. It is very obvious what people think of me. I can't cry over it anymore. I've made mistakes but they are over with. I have to move on and forget this bullshit or I'll be miserable forever.
To Person #1: This is my final apology. I don't expect it to be accepted. If you haven't accepted it by now, you never will. I just hope you know that it is sincere. I realize I fucked up, but I never meant to hurt you. Anger and fear can cause people, especially me to act irrationally and hastily. I'm not making excuses, but I still don't believe it's just cause to hate me. Whatever the case, I hope things go well for you.
To Person #2: I don't feel that I owe you an apology. I'm just sorry you feel the way you do.I still don't know what I did to make you hate me. I honestly can't remember a time that I've ever done anything to hurt you. I may have, but I can't remember. I had a fight with someone when you weren't even here, and we've both gotten over it. But if you can't for whatever reason, it's okay. I know it can't be easy to like me, and you've obviously made up your mind. All the same, I wish you only the best.
I won't speak ill of either of you, if you will do the same for me. I hope that you will both (and me too) remember the many years of good times, instead of the one or two bad things I've done that were enough to make you hate me. I do not hate either of you and never will. This really sucks, and I don't want it to happen this way, but what other choice do I have? I can't take back the past any more than you can. But I can see your minds are made up. I need some type of closure or I'll drive myself mad. I can't sit around and wait for things to be cool again, when I know realistically that it is too late. So 'm closing the door myself.
Farewell, and my best to both of you.
I am so tired of feeling like a horrible person when I know deep down that I am not. I am not perfect by any means, and I have never claimed to be. I can admit when I make a mistake, in fact it seems that is all I ever do. Yet for some reason I keep being accused of not admitting that I'm at fault.
As I said, I am not perfect. I have made many in my life. I have acted hastily and hurt people I cared about. I've done things that most people, me included would call immoral. I have done some stupid things. I am even guilty of a few doing bad things. But in general I am a good person. I do not run around trying to hurt people. I just have a temper that causes me to often overreact. I know I am not the only person in the world with this problem, and I've worked on it for years. Apparently it's a personality quirk, which everyone has.
I am a loyal person who loves my friends. I have hurt them before, but I never do this intentionally. People hurt me to without meaning too, I know. I always beat myself up when I hurt someone or do someone wrong, and right now I am black and blue.
But not anymore. It is time to heal. I feel that I have done all I can to make amends, but I can see it is to no avail. So I surrender. I give up completely. I don't want it to be this way, but the other minds have been made up. It is very obvious what people think of me. I can't cry over it anymore. I've made mistakes but they are over with. I have to move on and forget this bullshit or I'll be miserable forever.
To Person #1: This is my final apology. I don't expect it to be accepted. If you haven't accepted it by now, you never will. I just hope you know that it is sincere. I realize I fucked up, but I never meant to hurt you. Anger and fear can cause people, especially me to act irrationally and hastily. I'm not making excuses, but I still don't believe it's just cause to hate me. Whatever the case, I hope things go well for you.
To Person #2: I don't feel that I owe you an apology. I'm just sorry you feel the way you do.I still don't know what I did to make you hate me. I honestly can't remember a time that I've ever done anything to hurt you. I may have, but I can't remember. I had a fight with someone when you weren't even here, and we've both gotten over it. But if you can't for whatever reason, it's okay. I know it can't be easy to like me, and you've obviously made up your mind. All the same, I wish you only the best.
I won't speak ill of either of you, if you will do the same for me. I hope that you will both (and me too) remember the many years of good times, instead of the one or two bad things I've done that were enough to make you hate me. I do not hate either of you and never will. This really sucks, and I don't want it to happen this way, but what other choice do I have? I can't take back the past any more than you can. But I can see your minds are made up. I need some type of closure or I'll drive myself mad. I can't sit around and wait for things to be cool again, when I know realistically that it is too late. So 'm closing the door myself.
Farewell, and my best to both of you.
