Woe is Me!

I feel like I just crawled out of someone's ass. My bones/muscles/joints, etc. are all sore. I have identical bruises on both of my calfs. I have a big pimple on my ass. I have a damn tan on my face and arms. You can see my alabaster skin when I take my watch off. My stomach is dragging the floor. I've been doing Pilates to get my stomach down and it appeared to be working for a while, but now it looks like a big blob of bread dough.

And last night I went into my bedroom to take out the trash but when I bent over to pick it up I bashed my head on the corner of the dresser, fell down on the bed and started crying. Alexander came in and checked on me and I felt better. But today I have a big, red knot on my forehead and a splitting headache. It looks like the sore in the picture my mom took of me after she fell down while carrying me, proceeding to hit my head on the curb, therefore probably causing my brain damage.

My car has been in the shop for several days. I get it back tomorrow and have to pay $174. Which isn't as bad as it has been in the past, but still!

Somebody shoot me!